Divorce experts reveal the small bad habits that can ruin marriages (2025)

The middle-aged woman was slumped in the office chair, head in hands. It was clear to divorce lawyer Sheela Mackintosh-Stewart that this client's marriage had reached the end of its road.

Sheela's mind raced through the usual triggers: an affair, coercion, money problems? Then she asked: 'What brings you to my office?' The answer took her by surprise.

'Toenail clippings,' the woman replied. 'I cannot tolerate one more day of having to listen to the sound of his yellowing toenails ricocheting off the bathroom tiles. I want a divorce.'

Trimming your toenails might seem a petty offence, but Sheela and many other divorce lawyers are increasingly seeing people at the end of their marital tether due to seemingly inconsequential habits and actions.

Sheela has counselled numerous couples driven to the brink by petty offences, such as the 'correct' way to load a dishwasher, the cardboard inner tube of the loo roll never making it to the bin, nasal hair being left sprinkled around the edge of the sink, snoring, public flatulence, soup slurping, arguments about the 'correct' spot on the thermostat dial, being followed around the house, or the constantly reappearing sight of spilt tea, a spent tea bag and a teaspoon by the kettle.

One male client cited his wife's 'aggressive tooth-brushing action' as his reason for wanting a divorce.

'It's easy to dismiss these 'petty' problems as insignificant, but to the couples living them, they're anything but minor,' Sheela says, adding that she has seen countless marriages come to an end as a result of everyday irritations and unspoken frustrations.

Family lawyer Sarah Ingram, a partner at London firm Winckworth Sherwood, agrees, explaining that the majority of divorces she deals with are the result of minor issues building up over time – rather than the consequence of one big event.

Some of the reasons she has been given by warring couples have included buying thoughtless birthday gifts, perpetually falling asleep on the sofa in front of the TV, never going out for meals and an enduring aversion to tidying up.

Let's face it, nobody is perfect and we all bring our own little habits and behaviours into a relationship. But the survival of any long-term marriage will depend on the ability and willingness by one or both partners to endure seemingly petty annoyances.

So what's going on to make these mini infringements a factor in divorce?

'It's not about how small the irritation is, it's about how big is the feeling attached to that irritation,' says relationship counsellor Natasha Silverman.

'The difference between a tiny act being OK for one person, or on one occasion, and then not OK for someone else is the size of the feeling attached to it.

'For example, it's not about the wet towels abandoned on the bathroom floor, it's the way in which thoughtlessly dropping those towels for you to pick up somehow makes you feel unloved and unsupported – this negativity can grow in magnitude to the point when towel-dropping becomes very definitely not OK.'

As Natasha explains, at the beginning of a relationship we tend to be more flexible and accepting (so the throat-clearing or unconscious sniffing might even seem endearing) but the more we settle in, the more these quirks can irritate us.

'Your degree of irritation might depend on other pressures too,' she says. 'If you're exhausted by juggling a job and young children then having to perpetually correct your partner's haphazard dish- washer-stacking can feel like another unnecessary task of drudgery.'

Other factors can exacerbate the situation, such as the short fuse that so often accompanies perimenopause and menopause. This, says Natasha, can turn a tiny misdemeanour into the trigger for a fight.

The same degree of escalation can occur if you're unwell or extremely stressed. 'At certain times in your life, your tolerance for negative emotion or for feeling unseen and unsupported can plummet dramatically,' she explains.

As a divorce lawyer, Sheela has witnessed an additional aggravating factor – as men get older, they can become less self-aware, increasing their irritating habits.

Many of her clients are older women – empty nesters whose children have left home and who now resent being expected to clean up continually after a husband who behaves like a child. These actions leave women feeling unseen and unappreciated and frustrations swiftly fester into resentment.

'At their core, these irritations aren't about the toothpaste smears or the soup slurping,' says Sheela. 'They are symptoms of deeper issues such as poor communication and unmet emotional needs.'

In her new book, I (Think) I Want Out: What To Do When One Of You Wants To End Your Marriage, family therapist Dr Becky Whetstone describes how long-term relationships can end after a succession of minor offences.

'Too many people think it takes marital 'felonies' like adultery, abuse and addiction to take a marriage down, but it can die over parking and speeding ticket-level misdemeanours, particularly if one of you asks for this to change and the other doesn't respond,' she says.

'I call it death by a thousand paper cuts because the offences on the surface are not major, and yet if they persist, the marriage itself will experience irreparable blood loss, and that is how two good people can end up getting divorced.

You can be making your partner miserable with the little things you aren't aware you're doing. It happens all the time.'

For one of her clients, the final straw was the money-off voucher her husband used on a 'let's patch things up' romantic dinner. 'It wasn't about the voucher, of course, it was this woman's perception that he didn't value her enough to pay the full price,' says Becky.

Another client was driven to distraction by her husband's refusal to put the lavatory seat down after using it. She had repeatedly asked him to do so, but he had responded: 'Why don't you put it UP when you finish so I can be accommodated? I don't complain when you leave it down.'

In the majority of divorce cases that Sarah has dealt with, the couples had gritted their teeth for years, staying silent about the 'annoying small things' and hoping that they would get better.

This is what happened to writer Matthew Fray, whose wife walked out on him after 12 years because, she confessed to him, she could no longer tolerate the way he habitually left his used drinking glass by the sink.

Matthew was so shocked that he trained as a relationship counsellor, eventually writing This Is How Your Marriage Ends: A Hopeful Approach To Saving Relationships.

It turns out that it wasn't just about the glass. 'Occasionally there were plates too, deposited on the counter, just inches from the dishwasher. Sometimes I failed to put my clothes away and instead left them draped on furniture or even on the floor,' he admits.

His wife had mentioned her irritation a few times, but he says: 'While we were married, I thought she should recognise how petty and meaningless these things were in the grand scheme of life.'

It was only years later that Matthew came to understand that the empty glass, unwashed plates and discarded clothes were far, far more irritating than he could ever have imagined because his wife saw them as a symbol that he did not respect or appreciate her.

'I didn't realise my wife was moving incrementally closer to ending our marriage every time she saw that glass, because I stubbornly refused to look at the world from where she stood.

'The ticking timebombs that destroy our marriages are often disguised as harmless, innocent, everyday behaviours.

'I'll never care about a glass by the sink, but my wife did – and because I wouldn't or couldn't respect her feelings, it caused her real pain.'

How to save your marriage

Matthew realised far too late that maybe he could have rescued his marriage – one empty glass at a time.

But before you start thinking about whether the way you chew, walk, cough or breathe could be unwittingly driving a wedge between you and your partner, take these expert-approved steps to potentially save your marriage.

Nip it in the bud

Sheela warns against letting things simmer until it boils over. She says: 'The longer you hold on to little annoyances, the bigger they'll feel – so bring it up early, with a little kindness (and maybe even humour) to keep things light and productive.

For example, 'Hey, can we talk about the shoes everywhere? It's not a huge deal, but it would mean a lot if you could tuck them away. I'll try to do the same.'

As a divorce lawyer, she recommends avoiding the dreaded 'You ALWAYS do this!' tone which will immediately put your partner on the defensive.

Be responsive

If your partner kindly mentions something that is bothering them, don't argue, but be prepared to change.

'You may not understand why you are being asked to take your shoes off at the front door, but if your partner asks you to, and if honouring their request doesn't harm you or anyone else, then it is the loving thing to do,' says Becky.

'It is not the deed itself but a lack of responsiveness to a reasonable request to change which can lead to these tiny grains of sand piling up into a mountain.

When your partner doesn't respond to a reasonable request, it sends the message that what you want is more important than what they want – and reveals you are a person who thinks in terms of 'me', instead of a person who thinks of 'us'.

Love is wanting the best for your partner and involves doing things which help them to feel loved and respected.'

The weekly check-in

Sheela recommends that all couples get into the habit of a weekly check-in. 'Think of it as a quick, no-frills pit stop to make sure everything is running smoothly, Go for a walk together and talk about things that are going well before asking whether there's anything you might have done recently that could have been bugging them or anything they'd like you to do differently.

It's not about pointing fingers, but it gives you both a chance to make tweaks before resentment sets in.'

Play a game

Sit down with a glass of wine on a relaxed evening and challenge each other to say the three things you do that make me happy, and the three things you do that annoy me. The key, says Sheela, is that both of you do this.

'Make it playful – this is a game, not an accusation exercise, and it should prompt a healthy dialogue and, ideally, change.'

Use the X, Y, Z technique

Natasha urges clarity and kindness about what and why you want any behaviour to change and recommends using this formula: When you do X in situation Y, I feel Z ('When I see your toenail clippings on the bathroom floor, I find it really unappealing and it reduces how attracted I can feel towards you.') 'Lead with the behaviour, not the person, and tell them how it makes you feel unloved or unsupported.'

Tackling years of irritation

It can be very difficult asking for a habit which you have endured for many years, if not decades, to change. 'Addressing an ingrained behaviour will require courage,' says Becky. 'You'll need to be punching through your anticipatory fear that confrontation might cause problems.'

Timing is also important. Sheela suggests adopting a soft, non-threatening strategy and taking a gentle, flirty tone. 'Start by rubbing his back and asking, 'Is this a good time to talk to you?'

Then tell them how this thing they do makes you feel, for example, 'Can I mention a couple of things that have been bugging me? Please don't be offended. I know I should have said something sooner, but lately something has been grating on me…'

Be clear about what you need

Before embarking on any conversation, it's always good to be absolutely clear about the outcome you desire.

'Every criticism is an unmet wish,' says Natasha. So be ready with a suggested solution in the hope that they ask, 'How can I change?'

The key to success is making sure your partner doesn't shut down and go into an 'emotional foxhole', warns Becky. 'You must leave blame out of it. Instead be prepared to talk about what's wrong for you and what you need.'

Boost the positives

According to Natasha, research shows that happy couples have five positive interactions to every one negative interaction.

So if you know you're on a short fuse or about to lose control, the more positive moments you can throw into the mix (such as bringing a cup of tea to them in bed or letting them watch their favourite TV programme when you're itching to watch yours) should help to keep the small irritants in proportion.

But she warns that when something you've lived with and endured for years suddenly feels impossible to bear, it could be a warning sign that it's time to get professional help.